always.

27 June, 2006

ok peeps.

dis is e pix of ma cuzzin who got engaged recently.

(e one under e blk.)

dats her n sis n dad.

she's e one in pink.her sis e one in white.

dunch noe whos e one in purple.

in case ure wondering.

dats e fiancee.gorging himself.hekz.

..........................................................................

kinda getting tired of ma relationship.

everythin is nothin.

nothin is everythin.

hurrh.

used to say dis wenever he held me tite thru e nite.

we fit so well together.

wasnt suffocatin.

didnt strangle me.

burrt.now.

dat piece is not fittin in animore.

strange.awkward.

fils lyk i dun even noe him.

aint chasing animore.

basically im runnin.

its lyk i noe he's der.

cant move forward.

cant go to another direction.

stagnant.

we talked about anythin on e surface.

but not bout us.

not us.

not wat we've been doin.

or wat we gona do.

i duno him animore.

hate to admit dis.

aint even wearin e ring nimore.

apart from e fact dat im allergic to it.

dunch c e nid to.

i mean.

we wore e ring becoz of a reason.

burrt. e reason's fading away.

we're losin it.

my sis once said to me.

"u guys are supposed to show people dat dey are wrong.

dat u can so make it and make dis relationship work.

let dem have it.dunch let dem win e battle."

i told her no.

im givin up.

im losing e war.

let dem noe dey have won.

coz i cant take it animore.

i know i cant.

i cant be in a relationship wer i duno who he is.

wat he'e been doin.

practically engaged to a stranger.no.

i cant do it.

yesternite.

was reading a book on tying e knot.

as in marriage.

e female lead has been cohabiting wip e male lead.

for a year.

and dey are gettin married.

despite e huge differences dey had.

dey are doin it.

and dey are happy wip e decision.

ive dreamt of dis becomin.

dat we'd get married.

live together.share our joys and pain.

kids.

juz living it all.

havin it all.

but slowly.

each wish i had has been taken away from me.

i want no kids nimore.

no living together.

no sharing.counted as 2 diff individuals.

lastly.

no marriage.

it saddens me to think dat ive managed to come so far.

yet i had to let go.

e onli whom i thot would end dis journey together wip me.

is now juz another stranger taking a walk in my path.

well.yeah.

i aint old.

burrt.not getting younger either.

how many more of dis kinda relationship could i take.

if each one takes 3 yrs of ma life.

i'll be 30 before i reali get to settle down.

by then.

we would have to work reali hard for our first kid.

and forget early retirement.

so not happening.

givin me a headache juz thinking bout dis.

i used to complain why he hids to c me 24/7.

burrt.now findin maself wishin he WULD c me 24/7.

eeeeuuuuurrrrgggggghhhhh.

22 June, 2006

recap for e week.

monday nite.

was at tanjong pagar to mit sumone.

but ended up miting ma ex boss.

not e hot one.

e other big boss.

he didnt remember who i was.

as we seldom mit in e office.

farniie.wanted ma phone number.

other words.

get to noe me lah.

haha.

biggest shock of his life wen i said i worked for him laz week.

den.he asked me to werk for dem again.

to come back.

being me.dunch noe how to say no.

i said yes.

dumb!

juz 2 days.n regretting it.

today.im home resting ma feet.

n ma ass.

got diarrhoea.

yayness.an excuse to get off work.

darn.

so dumb.

plus point is.

get to see ma hot manager.

hehe.

19 June, 2006

gory details of yesterday.

went to jb to get petrol for the car wif mum.

did a lil' shopping.

got sum hair dye in rusty ash.

wich kinda sux coz its not rusty ash.

my head's back to blonde.

den back in singapore.

went to tkc.

mum traded her jewellery for an anklet.

had some extra spaces so bought one for me too.

yipee.

wat ive always wanted.

now werever i go.

e bell rings.

still enjoying it.

still adoring it.

hehekz.

den in e evening went for our father's day celebration.

wip cuzzie n family.

went to seoul garden.

had loadsa fun.

but too bad mimi gtta go off soon.

playing football wif his frenz.

so den.e rest of his family came back to our house.

n we watched soccer together.

previous day.

went to dad's side cuzzins engagment.

n yep.she did it under her block.

e tables n chairs had skirtings around dem.

buffet table.

n rite at e end.she sat alone.

pink from head to toe.

sumhow i dunch fil lyk i belonged der.

infact.

i fil lyk im juz going to sumone's daughter engagement.

she changed alot.

we used to be so close.

but now.

lyk i said to mom.

doesnt make a big difference if she's in or not in ma lyf.

she's juz another person who happen to pass thru ma journey.

convincing hurrh.

gez dats it.

kinda sleepy now.

17 June, 2006

got me thinkin.

while i was all alone.

y im tryin so hard to save e relationship.

we had a talk yesterday.

told me bout his ex gals.

most were in 'his crowd.'

kinda been der.done dat.

a place i noe i dun belong.

a place i tink i dun belong.

we dun fit.

we dun match.

we dunch belong to e same crowd.

we dunch belong to e same world.

we're worlds apart.

he wants sumone who wuld settle down.

but he kips on looking for those who aint.

im not ready to settle.

burt.im forcing maself for him.

his ex gals all look lik celebs.

y wuld he wan a plain jane lyk me.

his ex gals all lived for money.

im juz a nobody.

y would he wana be wif a loser lyk me.

he puts his frenz on top of anything else.

while me ditched those surrounding me.

we dunch share e same interests.

got me thinkin so much.

y im tryin so hard.

became a stalker to get him to me.

became suicidal to make him luf me.

i noe he lufs me.

burt.im startin to think its out of sympathy.

out of pity.

changed for him.

ceased ma past coz of him.

i noe he's tryin hard too.

burt.e wrong way.

we're not meant to be.

e truth seems to slap me hard.

wat we had was more lyk an infatuation.

a long infatuation which is comin to an end.

its no wonder why i kip bitchin behind his back.

we juz dun fit.

still.it hurts to come to a realization.

or dat maybe im super sensitive to e whole thing.

appreciate ur advises.

burt.i nid to do dis on ma own.

e pix i painted him of makes u think he's a jerk.

he's not actually.

he's juz himself.

& we dunch fit.

dats all.

i nid tym to find maself.

to reali noe wat im lookin for all dis while.

find who i reali am.

onli those who had been thru wuld reali understand wat i mean.

16 June, 2006

haf u ever wondered if u fall into e

ugly singaporeans category?

wondering wat i meant by dat?

every morning or everytime u get into e mrt

take a look around to spot 'em.

most obvious ones are e ones who wuld rush to e

door of the the train as soon as it pulls up to e station.

sounds familiar?guilty of doing it?

hakz.

another one wuld be those who cant wait to get in

instead of letting e people inside out.

den once ure inside.

ever noticed e ones rushing to get seats

even thou dey r at e last station?

wat bout those in other stations rushing in

& looking like zombies zooming in on seats available?

den once dey are seated

dey occupy e seats like dey are e onli ones

who are paying for e ride.

example.sleeping.reading a book up close to e face.

ignoring e ones who reali nid e seats.

wat bout those who step ur toes or worse ur feet

& ignore u like ur feet is part e ground.

ugly hurh.

den ders those school kids in uniforms

hanging by e doors exhibiting an RA film.

ders not too bad.

worse off are those in 'tudungs'

& behaves like whores.

holding hands.kissing e partners.

haf some decency!

juz last wk i ran into e most

atrocious, shameless woman.

it was crowded.as usual.

dis woman standing infront of me.

she started digging her nose.

its not e 'oh-my-nose-is-itchy' feminine type.

more lyk e type wer u'd enjoy in ur private moments.

gross.

n she wiped e 'treasure' she digged on her other hand.

now.while happily enjoying dis.

she's also talking to her imaginary fren.

yep.u gez it.

talking to herself.

so she's digging her treasure n talking.

even after several ugly glances ta her.

she kept on doing it.

migod.

it was so awful.

everyone started to move away.

i was so tempted to slap her out of it.

thank god.she went down soon after.

lyk i said.

ugly singaporeans.

& juz now even tho my feet were clad in plasters.

some people chose to see it as part-of-e-ground.

& stepped on it.

eeerrrgggghhhh.

imagine ma frustrations der & den.

wonder wer their eyes are.

haixx.

wish der was sum way i culd point dis out to dese commuters.

ure farking getting on ma nerves.

aniwaes.

tomorrow going to ma cuzzin's engagement.

heard dat it was grandeur.

doing it under her block.invited plentiful of people.

migod.

if dey suddenly decide not to get married.

wonder how she gonna live it.

hehe.

but dat wuld be a show to see.

such a show-off.

juz becoz i didnt invite her to mine.

long story.dad's family a psycho.

she made it a point to invite me & ma partner.

even dat grandma of 'hers' is not any better.

all from the same branch.

in case ure wondering.

yes.her grandma is mine too.

'cept she labeled it hers.

lyk she own e old woman.

wateva.

i dun even wana share ma family line wif u.

15 June, 2006

nid sum answers.

gave ma hp number to dis car salesman.

thot of getting a car.

but turns out e salesman is a psycho.

kip msging me to ask me out.

at first it was kinda flattering.

but den it got irritating.

msging me every single day.

god.cant stand it.

kip asking me out.

asking me wen im free.

god.

suffocating me.

and its not like 1 msg per day.

dozens msg per day.

kip saying im sick.

well.i am mind you.

dunno how long more i can kip dis up.

any solutions?

aaarrggghh.

so much for losing weight.

been eating non-stop.

e syndrome of staying home is back.

it sux.

cant stop ma mouth from chewin.

& ma brain from thinking of e goodies we haf in e kitch.

soooo dead.

well.e aunt's comin for e usual visit soon.

but still.gotta haf some willpower.

'cept i haf none.

aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh.

14 June, 2006

today.

had blisters all over ma feet.

today is e last day i'll ever see ma hot manager again.

ashamed to go back wif e working attitude dat i possess.

its not dat i dun wana work.

but dis blardy blisters had to come n

spoil ma day.

aaarrrggghh.

wateva.

gona find another job more suitable for me.

aint ez for a job wif no gals in.

haiixx.

didnt even take his piix.

*soriie juelz.*

well.

thankful enuf he crossed ma path once.

aniwaes.he came over a lil'bit after werk.

had dinner.watched sum tv.

fils lyk he's sumone i juz dated.

weird.farniie.more lyk awkward.

we still fitted each other well.

'cept wen i was in his arms.

fils lyk im in another person's hold.

kinda fil lost.

pressure building up coz i aint got money.

his bday is in e next mth.

everything juz sux so much.

god is not helping me.

nah-uh.

gotta do dis on ma own.i gez.

gif me strength.gif me hope.

pray fer me will ya?

13 June, 2006

dis is wat ma daily horoscope says today.

"When relationships end, that's not a failure. Whether personal or professional, the connection you have with someone is coming to a close, and it's for the best. You've been banging your head against the wall for a while now, and kudos to you for giving it your all; but when something just isn't working, it isn't working. No one is the bad guy in this scenario -- but both of you need to let go of this situation and seek your own solutions elsewhere."

isnt it weird how true dis seems to go?

never thot i had to go to dis extend to help me find ma answers.

gez its written der in black & white.

time to move on.

i noe it wuldnt be as easy as saying it.

ive been too hung up on dis relationship

ders not much of breathing space left for me.

its not easy for me to walk away n pretend nothing has happened.

its not easy to walk away wif no tears in ma eyes.

no.its not easy at all.

maybe tym is wat i need.

or maybe not.

truth hurts.

and im not prepared for it.

12 June, 2006

im so bored.

didnt work today coz cant get up.

told dem i was siick.

lucky for me dey told me to rest till wednesday.

perks of beiing e only gal der.

hehe.

relationship kinda sux at e mo.

he wants sum freedom.

to be wif his frenz.

well.hel-lo!

u didnt say dat 2 yrs ago.

2 yrs ago u wanted me der 24/7.

but now u push me aside lyk i aint of any use animore.

envy people lyk gegerl.

every single day spent wif her loved one.

hate him.

but i heard dis saying over e radio.

luving sumone wif ur whole hart is to hate him.

wen u learnt dat u hate him dats wen u luv comes.

weird hurh.

bur i gez its quite true.

10 June, 2006

am still here.conscience bugging me wen i was getting ready to leave.

den.i didnt.duh.fark lah.so dumb.shuld haf juz gone.

regretting ma am decision.so dumb.

missing out on all nite booze wif e gorgeous hunkz.

bcoz of one blardy idiot who dunch even noe how to appreciate ma presence.

regret.regrets.regretting.still am.

haixx.aniwaes.

going out soon wif ma "long-lost" cuzzin.

he droppin by so gotta get ready.oh.

also.im back on frenster.cm check me out.

same email add.

sasha.frozentears@hotmail.com

09 June, 2006

its been pretty hectic dis few days.

dunch even haf tym to myself.

werking in a place i dunch lyk.

staying for e sake of ma assistant manager

coz he's juz so blardy hot.hahakz.

also.doesnt hurt dat im e only gal in e company.

so everyone wuld look out for me.in dilema.

e guys haf asked me to join dem for e miting in

kl tomorrow morning.

mum says go.dad says tell him.

i wana go coz ma handsome manager said

we're gonna haf fun at hard rock tomorrow nite.

cant wait.but i dunch wana tell him.

pointless.he never tells me anything.

'cept for lies.why shuld i even bother rite?

i reali dunch noe wat to do.

dad says tell.we're "tied" to each other.

mum says lie.*luf ma mum.*

onli she can come up wif dis.hehe.

HELP.

05 June, 2006

inspired by rihana's unfaithful.
cept dat its written to fit me.

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Nobody seems to know
In silence I scream

He's more than a man
The one that I loved
The one with the key to my heart
But he is gone again
And to me dis just can't be true
Because he's tearing me apart

And I know that he's unfaithful
And it's killing me inside
To know that he is happy with some other girls
I can feel myself dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
And he is the reason why
Everytime he walks out the door
I see myself die a little more inside
I don't wanna get hurt anymore
God please just take away this life

I feel it in the air
as he pushes me out the door
Trying to get some privacy
A kiss up on my cheek
Lies upon his lips
Saying he would call
Until we meet again
A lie he didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where he's about to go
And we know it very well

Our Love, my trust
He might as well take a gun
And put it to my head
Get it over with

I dun wanna do dis animore

and dis came after e one on top.

I gave u all that u want
I gave u all that u need

It hurts so much
Just to be with you
Just to love and be loved
Someone to hold on to

Every promises I made
I tried to keep it true
Even though I’ve been hurt before
I still believe in you

Don’t blame this girl for loving
She caused her own misery
For she knows that love hurts
Yet still holding on to it

You made me the happiest
On January 1st
But deep inside I still fear
One day you’ll walk out and leave

All I wanted was a simple love story
One I could remember and smile
All I wanted was you
To make it all come true

This heart is still bleeding
Even after so long
In silence you’re killing me
Killing the girl who loved you so much

gez dese says it all.

03 June, 2006

hey julez.nice to hear from u.

hard to catch u online nowadays.

thanx to wanie for introducing

rihana's 'unfaithful'. beautiful song.

niwaes.found ma prince.

thanx to dose who has shown concern.

on e nite i went clubbing.

he met wif an accident.

he got pissed off coz i

accused him of being wif other gals.

dats why e disappearing act.

childish.i noe rite.

was at his place for e nite.

waited for him to come home.

burrt.we are ok now.for now.

he said he wanted to see

how long more i nided to trust him.

well.leopards dun change its spots easily.

after wat he did to me.

trust is e last thing i'll give.

but u noe wat.i love him all e same.

love's a crazy wacky thing.

n i'm beginning to hate it.

i duno.maybe god juz playing a game wif me.

well hey.i've had enuf.

HE sure aint noe wen to stop.

thankful i didnt do anything

stupid while he's away.

sulking.if i did.

dat would be e

biggest mistake of ma life.

02 June, 2006

cnt sleep.thinking bout him.

wondering wer is he.

kip looking at ma cell phone.

waiting.urging.hoping.

it wuld ring.but it didnt.

cancelled ma plans to go clubbing today.

having fever.diarrheoa.

did call him too.

but he switched off e phone.

wonder wer is he.

how is he.wats he doing.

but no one is willing to help me.

asked his bro to inform me

if he got back or anything.

but he said he was bz outside.

asked his fren to chk his bike for me.

he said will do but didnt get bk to me.

fil lyk crying.

wonder wat else god has in store for me.

had enuf.its sickening waiting lyk dis.

certainly hope he has sum good explanation for dis.

its shit.

wish der was sumthing.sum way.sum one.

could gif me e lite to dis.

cant help it.

he's still part of ma lyf aint him.

god.help.

01 June, 2006

went to mos yesterday.celebrated ma fren's bday.

21 today.hekz.
thy lil'bastard is missing in action.

dead.gallivanting.wateva u noe.
aint picking up ma fone calls.den off e hp.

rejected ma calls.
today also happens to be our anniversary.
hoo.boy.go do wateva u want.

juz get e fark outta ma lyf.
u dunch noe how to appreciate me.

ders plenty others out der.
aniwaes.

feast for e eyes.

before leaving thy house.thou ma hartx in pain.
wondering wat had happened to him.
still managed to look bitchy.yep.thanx.
*ooh.my.look at thy boobs.huge ey.

thanx to thy push ups.*